18 March 2020 - We must imagine ourselves on a war footing. You get by with what you have, and you keep doing what matters to you. None of this sounds bad to me. Art for art's sake. Of course, there is fear about the potential for making money.

The market has dropped 10,000 points, and with no work, I think just about everyone is going to liquidate whatever they have in the market. And boom, we're done. Complete chaos. So, what then?

20 March 2020 - I lost it today. I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up exhausted, like I was walking through molasses. I don't think anyone is feeling productive.

21 March 2020 - Stayed home today. Read more about the virus. It’s more dangerous than we first imagined. It’s been recommended that, when you come in from the outside world, you remove your clothes and shower. I'm debating whether it would be OK to go to the studio. I work alone, and I keep gloves on as I go to my space. I just don't know.

26 April 2020 - Saw no one today. It's a bit lonely. But I felt okay because I was immersed in my work.

27 April 2020 - Still no stimulus check. There is a new round of PPP, but there’s no way to know if I can reapply.

No word on any of the art grants I applied for, except that the relief grant went into its second of five phases. The money is just for the most desperate.

3 May 2020 - Really, I need to concentrate on making the most compelling work possible, and then I need to get it in front of as many people as possible. But what I need most is to dig deep and figure out exactly what paintings I want to do.

7 May 2020 - Today I helped direct cars during a giant food distribution in our local community. Farmers have been destroying their food because they can't get it to market, and people are going hungry because they can't make any money. These large distributions are being arranged by the Salvation Army, food banks, and other organizations working together. We only had one nasty reaction in the parking area. Looking back on it, this guy who wouldn't pull his car forward was out of control of so many things in his life that he was not going to relinquish this one thing that he thought he could control. But otherwise, it ran smoothly.

15 May 2020 - Having been able to pay some of my major bills ahead has given me breathing room. I decided to be kind to myself. Not push myself when I can’t get traction on a painting. As soon as I gave myself that permission, I immediately found the thing I wanted to do.

Today I found a photo I took this winter of frost on my studio window that ended up looking like dots on a black field. I'm going to attempt to paint it. There are so many dots in this painting that I'm afraid the structure might get lost, but I won't know until I try, and I've been wanting to do this for ages.

I've been thinking a lot about my work and the elements I keep coming back to. And nature is part of it, reflected light, highly detailed, which is ironic as I don't like to look at highly detailed work, but this is the lane that I'm in.

18 May 2020 - Got a good start on the Frost painting. This is either going to work or it isn't, and I won't know until it's done.

20 May 2020 - Great day painting. Can't wait to finish this painting and see it done.

21 May 2020 - I'm increasingly excited to see this painting finished and to start another one. It is demanding because maintaining consistent marks is essential. But I love what I have done so far. It’s very reminiscent of Aboriginal dot paintings. But ironically, it’s also a completely representational painting.

26 May 2020 - Finally finished the Frost painting. Now, I want to do one much larger. These works just feel like the right paintings for now, when I want to hold on to every moment and let things change incrementally.

6 June 2020 - Thinking a lot about “Frost on Window.” Wanting to expand that imagery. Can't worry about it too much. Only need to do the next one, which I'm ready for. Seeing things in a new way makes me look for things in a new way -- and so it evolves. I'm taking a deep dive back into painting things that are abstract but also complete representations of something real.

9 June 2020 - Started the large Frost painting. I really must concentrate to sustain the quality of the marks, and some spots will have to be overpainted because I am not getting full coverage. But it is exciting to begin to see it unfold. I painted about one-ninth of the painting today in 7 1/2 hours.

I'm excited about this painting. But I'm going to have to keep doing things to bring in money. Tomorrow I'll put in my loan and apply for another grant.

10 June 2020 - I just need to keep concentrating. I worked until 6:00 pm today, and it is a long day when painting tiny dots with a brush the size of an eyeliner.

15 June 2020 - Lots of work on the Frost painting. It will take two more days to complete the first pass, and then I'll need to go back and highlight certain areas. I want to make this painting work, and I want to do the others I have in mind, because if I can figure out how to paint them, they could be amazing.

2 July 2020 - The year has been filled with so much death. Both close friends and with thousands of strangers. I think about it every day as I mask up to leave the house. Then, for a bit, I start to feel safe, and then another outbreak hits. This will linger with us for a long time.

12 August 2020 - I often think about how people resonate with a particular artwork. There are pieces of art that I know objectively are good, but I don't resonate with them. This means of connecting with a work of art, I believe, is more pronounced in the performing arts, especially music. We often have a very physical response to music that resonates within us.

I remember an experience watching a jazz performer, who completely blew me away to the point where, at one moment, it felt as though everyone in the room pixelated and was floating like colored confetti, only smaller, in the air. My new paintings are about that experience. It's about the moment when we no longer cohere. And we are suspended in space like so many particles of dust. It's a literal breaking of the veil.

13 August 2020 - In my new paintings, I'm interested in dimensionality. And pixilation. I like the idea of having the image billow off the surface.

Maybe I’ll order some sequined fabric. I seem to want to put contrary things together-- folds, drapery, dimensionality, dissolving, meticulously painted, dissolved into pixels. The problem is, where to find those qualities? Can I achieve what I want in paint?

23 August 2020 - Tonight I received the sequined fabric I ordered. I started photographing it. It will be fantastic for a large painting, especially since it can reflect the surrounding colors. I'm going to love the mark-making involved with it. It would also be interesting to achieve some sense of dimensionality, as the Renaissance painters did in their drapery drawings. I like the idea of breaking the picture plane, having something appear glittering and dimensional yet abstract and unrecognizable, totally up my alley.

2 September 2020 - I worked all day on the first sequin painting, but it doesn't have the right impact. I think I need to paint the whole thing and then repaint it. But it's OK. I knew that these would require some figuring out.

There is so much I want to experiment with. It's going to take time because I've created this complex imagery, but once I've mastered it, I'll be able to do some interesting stuff. The paint and the values must be right.

3 September 2020 - The only thing that matters is the work. I am struggling through this new painting, not knowing if I can create the impact that I want, but that has been true almost every time I have taken off in a new direction. I'm constructing now, laboriously building one piece of the painting at a time. Once that is done, I can start painting with abandon.

22 October 2020 - I've been thinking about my new paintings and where I want to go with them. I love the detail in the frost paintings and how you can see frost or the universe. Of course, I am looking for other ways of doing that, and I have found it – a sequin image could work. I feel that these need to be super detailed to create that effect.

28 October 2020 - People are voting in large numbers -- 50% of all votes have already been cast in early voting.

3 November 2020 - I didn’t stay up and watch the results. It is looking iffy for Biden. I can't stand the direction our country is moving in. It makes me despair. It's exhausting to live under Trump. I think I will go into major hibernation.

6 November 2020 - Still no new President, although the path to victory for Biden seems likely. Trump has come undone and continues to try to stir violence and revolt, but not even Fox News is going for it.

Time to get onto a new painting. The election has been exhausting for all of us. Can't wait until this nightmare is over.

7 November 2020 - We finally have a new President. We will have to wait until January 20th for Biden to assume office, and it will be a perilous time for the nation.

16 November 2020 – At the grocery store today the shelves are still not full. We're really in the darkest hour of the COVID virus, or we will be next month.

We're all hunkering down for COVID’s second surge. We basically need to be in lockdown for a month. I'm hoping that, since I work and live alone, I can continue working.

I'm mostly doing a news blackout. We've had a quarter million deaths from COVID, and Trump has washed his hands of it.

20 November 2020 - COVID is overwhelming most of the country. I am anxious, unable to sleep, unable to eat.

I need to paint!

16 December 2020 - I'm having a lot of trouble with the sequins painting. I'll continue with it, but I’ll probably need a magnifying glass. I'll give it another go on Friday.

18 December 2020 - Feeling insecure. It will pass, but it is uncomfortable now. And of course, I haven't really seen anyone in days.

28 December 2020 - Painted all day on the sequins painting. I finally dropped into the zone and felt I was back. I can start to see the painting now and know what it needs. Such tiny details. I must abandon myself to it to be able to paint it. But I was able to work on it for about 6 hours without interruptions. It was a good run.

29 December 2020 - I'm finally getting to a place where the sequin painting has a gestalt. I wanted the painting to seem as though it is Nothing. Nothing is going on here. But then you see all the vibrating energy underneath.

Been reading about Monet again. I have come to feel that in unexpected ways, we have been after the same thing. We work in a similar way: we observe nature and then set up both an artistic and a scientific exploration to discover something new. His popularity has obscured the nature of his pursuits. There is his idea of painting the “envelope.” By that, I feel he means that which envelops him, the atmosphere that is between himself and his subject. Monet merges with his subject. It is the edge that he pursues – the furthest reaches of his investigations. Just as Philip Glass, the composer, wanted to find the edge of sound; Monet wanted to find the equivalent of that in paint.

30 December 2020 - Wonderful day painting. Finished the miniature sequin painting and completely repainted the large metallic one I had started. I went back to my photos and found one that had very simple qualities. Not much drama, but it has a whisper of color at the bottom. It has other things I like—its atmosphere and its illusion.

I love that, with this piece of cloth, I can create so many different images and compositions. I'm really looking for a new vocabulary for the paintings.

COVID is raging everywhere. New York still has the most COVID deaths in the country. It's time to go into complete lockdown again.

31 December 2020 - End of the year, and everybody is saying “Good riddance,” but for me, it was a good year. I did some good paintings, although not too many. I redid my website. It's been a little lonely, but not too bad since I have reconnected with some people.

Republicans are objecting to the 2020 Electoral College vote. I'm very worried about the coming week.

6 January 2021 - 1 AM. I had to stay up and watch the election returns in Georgia. Warnock has claimed victory, but at the moment it seems 50/50.

Tomorrow is going to be a clown show. Over 100 representatives and 10 senators are contesting the electoral vote.

 A good day painting. However, it will still be a while before the painting takes shape. It might be challenging to get the effect that I'm after. I want the bottom portion of the painting to appear to glow.

11:00 PM. Ossoff and Warnock both won their Senate seats. But then that news was overtaken entirely by Trump's attempted coup. He had his people rally in DC, then stoked them up, repeating over and over that he had won in a landslide, and told them to storm the Capitol, which they did with great ease and almost no interference from the police. One woman died. We don't know who she was or what exactly the circumstances were.

7 January 2021 - Things remain wild. Trump finally made a statement, conceding. He sounded perfectly normal and presidential in his concession speech. Biden won and now there must be a peaceful transfer of power. But Trump continues to say that the election was stolen. He sounds completely off the rails. The fact that he could make both statements makes me doubt his sanity. We’re living in the twilight zone.

On other fronts, a good day painting. The painting is unwieldy and complex.

12 January 2021 - Trump was impeached for a second time today.

18 January 2021 -I have been painting, but nothing has been going well. Today I completely painted over the piece I have been working on for weeks. I realized the problem. I want the painting to have an insane amount of tiny detail. I need to do the piece on something smaller so that it can keep the detail. I will try that tomorrow.

28 January 2021 - I've been having so much trouble working.

I took down the frost painting that I was working on. I realized that I had no connection to it. That's probably why it's been so difficult to paint. When going through my photos, I came across a picture I took of a landscape on the TV. It was a weird gray-blue-green color that you get on TV. I cropped it to a long, horizontal shape. It's quite a depressing photo. Reminds me very much of the gray days we lived through here, but I am very drawn to it. It's mysterious and complex. So, I'm going to go for it.

As a subject and color, I know it's not popular, but it has a meaning for me, a soul. No rules, just go for it. What I realized while prepping the canvas was that I had a connection to the image, and when that happens, you have to strike. You can't let it pass by.

I'm also getting other messages about pieces, and I need to heed them. I'm not sure how to go about this painting, but I need to start with a dark ground. I also need to spend some time concocting the color because it is very specific.

2 February 2021 - I have found my way back into the new painting. This makes me feel happy and balanced.

7 February 2021 - Now most of us feel as though we're in suspended animation, unable to move forward. Some of us are trying to muscle through, but it's tough. It's partly why I'm very proud to have secured a new grant, finished my website, and done at least a few good paintings.

22 February 2021 - I want the light to seem to emanate from within the painting toward the viewer. And I find when I paint, even when I am making drops on the canvas, I'm always looking to see how that pulls the light forward.

My nature is that I see things in terms of how they are defined by light and color. That may be why I am interested in resonance—how these components make me feel and where they take me internally. In that way, my reaction to a painting is more akin to someone's reaction to music. The way music resonates with you has as much to do with who you are in the moment as it does with the music. And just as we can travel in our heads or meditate while listening to music, I do both when I paint and when I look at a painting.

28 February 2021 – Got my first vaccine today. I felt absolute joy getting it.

6 March 2021 - I had an interesting epiphany this morning. When I was an undergraduate at Bennington, I made a piece that transformed the room. I covered a wall and the radiator below it with black plastic. Then I spray-painted part of it silver. What happened, though, was that the wall was transformed. You could not really tell where the surface was. The surface appeared permeable.

As simple as this piece was, it really worked. What is interesting to me about this now is that these are precisely the problems or propositions I'm making with my paintings today—something that transforms the sense of the surface, changes space through suggestion, yet also gives the sense that it is something you can pass through.

I'm realizing that certain things have been in me from the beginning. It’s just taken years to recognize which of the things coming out of me are mine and which are sent by someone else’s muse.

17 March 2021 - I spent the afternoon painting a picture of a bare mountain in Iceland, but it has an entirely otherworldly feel because it was photographed off the TV screen. It is not only flat but also a strange non-color. I like it because it feels like a suicide, or it has the feeling of, “How did I end up here? I also like it because it is moody. I like that it carries an emotional component. A friend said that it reminded him of Richter's Bader Meinhof series. I agree, but it makes sense, since both were likely taken from flat screens.

I continue to feel alarmed by how my work bounces all over the place, but in this case, I'm pursuing something I've long been interested in. Things that are not what they seem. Things that show you are perceiving in a way different from normal; in other words, I am painting a representation of a video representation of a landscape.

The thing I'm using as my guiding light right now is inspiration. I have many intellectual ideas about what I should do. But what I want to do now is work only on the things I feel strongly moved to do. I might enter the studio thinking I am going to do one thing but be pulled to paint something else entirely. I also wanted to paint this painting as fast as possible, one day wet into wet. It may need some modification, but I wanted this to be as direct as possible.

18 March 2021 - I did a painting today of trees around a lake in winter from a television screen. Again, it looks a bit Richter-like, but I wanted to make it. When I feel like doing a painting, I'm just going to do it. I can sort out the meaning of it later. The first heavy winter painting needs some work. They may all need some work, but that is the most obvious one. I think I need to give things a little rest, clean the studio, and gather the pieces I want to paint over.

There is some feeling of hope as people begin to get vaccinated.

19 March 2021 - Tomorrow is my second vaccine.